Making a *tapered* column plumb on a curvy Victorian house that wasn’t necessarily built square/plumb in the first place is a challenge…but column # 1 was installed on Friday.

I also cut column # 2 to length and embarked on its “prime dry prime dry prime dry attach endcaps” regimen.

Fits right in!

The ordeal of putting multiple coats of primer on Column # 2 was made more interesting as all the neighborhood cats came to visit…and some insisted in helping. Slinging paint at cylinder with a couple cats doing figure eights around your ankles while others sit by offering helpful advice or encouragement can be fun!

I can’t wait till it’s time to stain the back deck.

A few hours of priming, painting, and installing endcaps later I got the second column installed.

I also did a bunch of trim work, puttying of nail-holes, lots of caulking, etc in the area.

Everything still needs a finish coat of paint, but I’ve also got SO MUCH more trim to put up against the soffit…much of which is…of course…a strange size (4-1/2″ for the initial trim). I’ve got to get some 1×6 and rip it down for that.

SO much missing trim…

There is SO much missing trim to do that I expect I’ll give everything a finish coat of paint first…as the primer isn’t supposed to be left uncoated for more than a couple weeks…and then maybe hit the major stuff first and circle back around to the trim and fine details.

I imagine weather will interfere here shortly as well.

Not sure if I’ll start the underpinning or move on to the next section of porch next (more structural work there). I have SOME materials for each direction…but not enough for either…so it’s a harder decision than it should be.

And of course…once I get the underpinning on…I’ll be right back where I started at the beginning of the year…needing to install railings.

Sigh. It’s a process.

CUAgain,
Daniel Meyer

Okay, on the agenda this weekend, box in the box beam and install a couple columns.

Sounds simple doesn’t it?

It’s not. The sheer amount of steps required in prepping a column take up a lot of time…fiddly work…but important to get right for a couple reasons…one is the longevity of the column, the other is, of course, so it will actually FIT.

Measure 34 times, cut twice.

These things are expensive…and have to be cut to length…perfectly square and perfect length.
Both ends require a cut (square off the top and cut extra off bottom).

So…desired height, subtract the column base…and the header…and the cap…and take a saw to your nice expensive column.

Heard the adage, “Measure twice, cut once?”

Well, it doesn’t apply here. It’s more like, “Measure thirty-seven times, calculate differences 42 times, make a mark, and repeat…till all results are the same 245 times in a row.”

Or something like that.

The math was actually pretty simple:

U + fucca + this + up = bigHonkin $$$

So…after measuring 842 times and doing the math at least…twice…it was time to take a hand-saw to my nice expensive piece of wood.

How confident am I? Well, I’m SO confident I actually cut the thing!

Of course, I only cut ONE of the things…there are THREE that should be this exact measurement.

Yeah, I’ll cut the other two AFTER I fit this one in place.

Chop chop! Weeee!

Harder than you’d think…whacking bits off that you know you can’t put back on.

You may recall a couple weeks ago I slathered the insides of these things in the blood of my enemies…or some nasty old oil paint that will outlast the next ice age…whichever is more politically correct…well, now it was time to prime the outside. The column maker calls for two to three coats of a premium exterior primer, and I only intend on replacing these once in my lifetime so two to three coats it is! I mean, I’d hate to die an early death and have the coroner’s report say something like, “Column failed. Heart stopped. Patient’s last words, ‘Oh HELL no!’ ”

It’s actually kind of a pain…painting a cylinder…I elected to stuff a 2×4 through the middle and “hang” it on some sawhorses for easy access. Since I needed to paint the ends as well it was impractical to stand it up somewhere.

Kind of a pain, actually…painting a cylinder.

Between coats (drying time) I worked on boxing in the box beam that these columns support. I neglected to take pictures of this process, but suffice it to say, I took a piece of the “most expensive plywood ever” (3/4″ exterior grade, no voids, smooth one side), and subdivided it into the 13″ wide by 20ish foot long covering for the exterior of the box beam. This provides additional strength, and gets the covering to the thickness needed to match the existing details on the house. I then primed the exterior face and edges, and screwed it on up. I still need to fill the screw holes, add some trim and top coat the paint…but that’s coming after I get at least two of these columns in.

NOT a cheap chunk of plywood…turning it into “trim” makes my wallet hurt.

After several hours of chopping and priming and fretting and measuring stuff, it was time to install the column cap and base. Diligent squaring up of “stuffs” (again, kind of a pain on a cylinder), a coating of sealant, some carefully drilled pilot holes, and a few screws and taaDaaa! One column, ready for install.

Caps installed.

And THAT…my friends, is a pain in the ass…ur…rather…it is a
*deep breath*
Custom length, double-oil-paint interior-coated, triple-primer exterior-coated 10″ tapered column…cap and base (also primered) installed and the whole thing ready for installation and a top coat of paint.
*phew*

That is one solid pain in the ass…

And there’s only 11 more to go…

Well…only five of those are new (so far). I think I can salvage the six columns immediately adjacent to the porch steps (there are three right together on each side of the stairs), but we’ll see. I expect salvaging the existing ones will be more work than prepping a new one!

Oh…and does it fit? Well, that’s a cliff-hanger isn’t it?

Tune in for our next exciting episode of, “This things gonna fit if I have to use explosives.”

CUAgain,
Daniel Meyer

Didn’t get much done this weekend since we were too busy getting thoroughly rained upon…seriously…something like 12 inches in 48 hours. Fortunately, Serious Roof is serious…and I can’t tell you how happy I am that all the rain stays on the outside!

When the weather did break I spent some time coating the insides of the new porch columns with oil-based paint (as they require). I have to use a mop to reach inside to do it. A $1.99 one from the dollar store serves nicely.

Thing is, this is 30-40 year old oil-based paint that came hidden in a nook (or possibly a cranny) of the Cupola Art building (no, it doesn’t have lead in it).

Once mixed up it’s perfectly serviceable and this is a great use for it, particularly since nobody will ever see it again. This saves me around $45-55 bucks for a gallon of paint to do this job!

It is called “Meteor Maroon” and it is a truly hideous color. It looks like I’ve slaughtered somebody on my lawn.

The blood of my enemies?

Bathing in the blood of my enemies. Seems like a good name for a paint color…or perhaps a band.

CUAgain,
Daniel Meyer